“There’s a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise
If You want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You
I will follow You”
This song was playing right before I got home last night. It made me think of a lady in our church who was just diagnosed with breast cancer. I posted it on her facebook; I hope it gives her strength. But it made me think of stuff too.
I am so ready to have kids. Or at least I think I am. I know, financially, we probably aren’t ready but as I tell Rick over and over if we wait for that we’ll never have kids. He agrees but his mom I think tells him that all the time. And when I pray I find myself saying to God that I’m ok if I don’t have kids but I think I’m just saying that because I’m supposed to. Know what I mean? It’s like, of course I know he has His will but I WANT kids! I’m not ok if I don’t have them, I don’t know when I’ll be ok if I don’t have kids. If the Lord gives us what we desire why haven’t I gotten it yet. (I’m just kinda rambling……wanted to write last night and trying to remember everything I wanted to get out!) We’re supposed to be content with life, right? I feel like I’m being punished. And I know I shouldn’t feel like that, but some days that small thought creeps right in. And it’s hard to get it out. Every month, the same thing….
December, I really thought was going to be the month. Apparently I was a little too stressed out at work. I finally got my insurance so it’s time, I think, to head to the doctor and see what’s up. When I think of that, I daydream that when the doctor runs these tests it will show that I am pregnant. My body has just been acting crazy. Not likely, but something I think about. And then the other daydream, or daymare, is that the doctor will say that I can’t have kids. I go from one extreme to the next. Oh well…..
On another note I am so ready to go take some pictures of somebody. I want to go shoot a wedding pretty bad but I don’t know anybody that’s getting married. And I’m kinda scaared. If I mess up; that’s someones big moment. Scary thoughts. But I had so much fun shooting pictures of Candy and I want to do that again. I wish I just got paid to do that. That would be ideal, to be an outdoor photographer. Fun, fun. One day maybe. I’m having fun at work though too. Apparently I’m going to be promoted again. Still an Ass. Manager…….just a full time one now. Not a part time one. Even though I worked forty hours each week of that. I’m excited about that. Though, I do have to admit that since I’ve been a manager I feel like I was told more when I wasn’t one! How crazy is that. Sometimes I’ll go into the back and people are whispering and they stop when I get there. Crazy. Maybe their just talking about me…..hmmmm. Makes me think some more.
Well, I’m gonna go make a list of ingredients I need from the store so I can make cheesecake cupcakes for my birthday this Friday! I’m hoping to go to dinner with mom and Candy. Maybe Matt and Rick…..We’ll see. I LOVE YOU ALL!